Albion 2-0 MK Dons

FA Cup, January 7 2017

There was a time, recently enough to remain memorable, when a plus-11,000 crowd for an Albion home game would have been remarkable. Now the FA Cup’s been indelibly devalued, with its silly kick-off times and indifferent Premier League clubs on the road to a Wembley which hosts semi-finals and charges a tenner for a sandwich. There was no getting around the fact that this was a low turn-out in reflection of that, with the North Stand looking all strange and empty and the upper echelons of both sides reduced to ghost towns, like an echoey reminder of how crucial promotion was in the final season at Withdean.

It wasn’t just weird because of the unpopulated stands: there was also a yawny passiveness among the crowd, apathetic like zoo visitors or swimming pool spectators, a slumbering hum without a chorus. But then there is the counter thought that goes: why is there this chasm between league and cup crowds at Falmer these days? Who are the people who want to watch the team based on the opposition? And do they really want to spend a Saturday doing something else while the rest of us suckers sparsely people a muted stadium? Really, what else are you going to do on the first Saturday of the year? Go to pubs with the same people you go to pubs with every weekend, sitting in silence, tapping at your phones in the pub where you've all notified the world you are, occasionally laughing awkwardly at bants? Go shopping and traipse joylessly around spending even more than you do at football? Probably would have been better than getting the birthday shout-out someone got at this game, of all games, when there’s nothing special about the day at all.

This was the day when swarthy magician Beram Kayal returned, though. He didn’t waste any time. Breaking the silence with less than ten minutes gone, he strode to meet a ball just outside the box and crisply skimmed it into the bit of the net nearest the MK Dons fans. They must have felt like the Colchester fans at the EFL Cup game in August: following a side average to its core, never really looking like winning, offers nothing of the dare-to-dream stuff the cup is still just about marketed on, as Albion fans know. They possessed quite an entertaining figure in Chukwuemeka Aneke, a highly physical and energetic striker who, having turned Sam Adekugbe on the edge of the box, hit a shot at Maenpaa that would have been considered weak in the warm-up. Then he treated Hünemeier’s head much like a basketball hovering over a net when they leapt together in front of the mass wake that was the West Stand. Sidwell burrowed around under the belly of an MK player who fell over the ball before clasping it like a pot of long-lost treasure. Once it had been retrieved, Hemed smashed it against the keeper - he sometimes chooses the least effective option at the simplest of angles - from an Adekugbe cross.

Jamie Murphy and Richie Towell were part of the attack, both taking a day off the sunbed, and Murphy volleyed just wide after March performed one of the most meggy nutmegs ever on his marker. Then Hemed replaced nutmeg man as the most embarrassed player on the park by absolutely shanking from point blank range when three Albion players roved behind enemy lines. At this point, in the second half, Albion were firmly into making-hard-work-of-it territory, with the thought of a midweek in Milton Keynes if anyone made a howler providing just enough motivation to perform. There was a five-minute period during which the team needed to, in a manner of speaking, check themselves before they wrecked themselves, culminating in two attacks down the left from the Albion: Adekugbe stuck in a cross which March volleyed well over first time, Jamie Murphy dribbled to the near post byline before tapping back for a last-gasp MK clearance, and then a looping Goldson header from the resulting Murphy corner hung narrowly over the bar.

Towell broke away down the right to zero effect, but the Israelis were here to save the day. Kayal floated in a beauty of a cross, it all went slow-mo as everyone pondered the disappointingly thinkable of Hemed not nestling a simple header into the far corner, and then he promptly did the business. Actually, he should have had another a minute later thanks to the accommodating and increasingly porous Dons defence, but he shot straight at the keeper after being played in by Murph.

Everything was better now, not least because Skalak and Murray were warming up in front of the West, like lions in bibs. Kayal went off after 77 minutes, departing down the tunnel with his halo, a magnificent visionary, taking with him any real remaining interest in the game. Let’s start again next week, and avoid any more tedious home draws in the rest of whatever cup run we might have.

Albion 2-0 Leeds United

Championship, December 9 2016

It's always Leeds on a Friday night recently. Aggro on the trains and a loud away end regaling us with Marching on Together. They used to sack managers after the ignominy of losing to little Brighton. The best underdogging occurred when Gary Hart scored the winner against them in a game at Withdean, there hanging a prevailing sense of shared bemusement at seeing a team of Leeds' faded glamour turn up at everyone's least favourite athletics track and field.

Nowadays they routinely yield to the good guys, and there’s so little justifying description about this game. The stats – Albion had nine for each of Leeds’s two shots on goal – succinctly articulate the level of dominance enacted.

The first goal happened when Kalvin Phillips channelled Rod Thomas’s bygone volleyball heroics, vainly lolloping the ball out just as it was about to cross the line, like a tipsy holiday-maker in a deep pool trying to scoop a beach ball pelted at him at point blank range. A line of Albion players gleefully appealed in unison across the six yard line, led by Dunk, who was thoroughly over-excited having protracted the leg which tonked Knockaert's deep corner goalwards from beyond the far post.

Murray, god of goals in front of the north, glanced over his shoulder at the ref with a doleful, would-you-care-for-me look, paused and banged it in the net. The rest of the game was essentially a concentrated victory lap. Leeds were there. They were robust. They had a midfielder born in 1998 called Ronaldo Vieira (his twin brother is called Romario), which probably softens the blow for their fans. Stockdale, a dream in a dark shade of salmon, had the odd bit of penalty area admin to do, but could have spent the game farting out fear is a liar tweets on his phone if he'd wanted to.

That's five goals Albion have conceded in the second half all season now. Two were at Newcastle and Reading, one was a 95th minute consolation for the home side at Hillsborough, and one of the others was for Preston in injury time at Falmer.

Right at the fizzled end of 2016, Hemed’s gone all 90s garage and got his squad number shaved into the side of his hair, the natural conclusion to which should be Nike capitalising on the chance to recreate the eternal fashion of the barbered swoosh on the bonce of Israel’s finest striker. Hemed had replaced Glenn, who got Man of the Match, and was thus the man for the job when Dunk probably dived to win a penalty.

There was a bit of cosmic rebalancing there, involving as it did the same kind of innocuous tangle from which Dunk conceded a laughable penalty when Albion drew at Burnley last season. No hassle for Hemed, who sent it straight down the shoot, as if he had more pressing matters on his mind, like hanging out with Miss Israel or getting more signs swooshed into his scalp.

And now here we are, eight points beyond third, stronger than last season but without two other sides having mindblowing years. It's a position from which, statistically, everyone ends up spraying champagne and wheezing dizzily, unless they've got Kevin Keegan in charge.

If nurses were observing the wellness of the other promotion hopefuls, they'd be thinking about the necessity of the life support machine. It's not arrogant to say that, unless you're actually being arrogant, which probably isn't in your nature if you're an Albion fan. If this gravy train derails it'll be no surprise, everyone will laugh and sigh and the resigned bitterness will flow once more.

The thing is, Kayal – the player who really brings the Other amid a lot of consistency and workmanship – is yet to come back. Hünemeier and Goldson haven’t even been in the side all season. The innate Albion anxieties still tangibly linger: disbelief, and a suspicion there'll be some sort of stipulation that the team automatically enters the play-offs no matter how stratospheric its points total. Even when the situation’s outlandishly promising, fear often isn’t a liar. It's just nowhere to be seen with 20 games gone.

Luton Town 2-1 Brighton & Hove Albion, Friendly, July 23 2016

Expecting to be entertained by a friendly is like expecting to be cerebrally stimulated by reality television. It’s all artificial toiling and coiled shadow-boxing, and going one down after 30 seconds to a soft goal – rolled past Mäenpää in front of 200 distinctly quiet Albion fans, many of whom were still returning from the bar at that point – hardly elevated the thrill.

Dunk atoned for the misplaced pass which had led to the goal with a simple header from an inswinging free-kick at the end of the half, but it was our only attempt on target in 45 minutes. Luton should have been further ahead. They almost were straight after the break, seeing two shots cleared off the line. Apart from Elvis cracking the bar from close range they were well deserving of their win.

The game is about as memorable as a service station holiday, but it would be remiss not to laud the ground. The away end is right next to a residential front door, the stairs overlook rows of gardens and there’s an old-school tea bar near a door which leads to a clubhouse-style bar for away fans with relatively cheap beers.

The shallow stand falls low beneath the pitch and the noise in the enclosed ground is impressive. You can picture Fozzie enjoying his time here in the mid-80s, orange shirt, headband and all. This is the sort of place you end up missing over the course of a Championship season full of visits to sterile, out-of-town stadia. Let the watered-down lager flow.

Alloa Athletic 0-1 Raith Rovers, Scottish Championship, October 17 2015

The mission had originally been to visit Arbroath’s Gayfield Park, consistently lauded as one of the most beautiful grounds in the world and the closest to the sea in Britain. But a farcical ticketing mix-up at a provincial arts centre (as Half Man Half Biscuit might call it) meant the destination needed to be within an hour of Glasgow.

I considered going to watch Motherwell-Celtic, eventually being dissuaded by the suspiciously generic look of their ground, extortionate ticket prices and the fact that it was Mark McGhee’s first game in charge (those later Withdean memories, like welts, will never fade.)

In times of uncertainty, a Saturday coupon and the Football Ground Guide are invaluable. Eventually I struck upon the 19^th century Recreation Park, and the chance literally paid off. Approaching a roundabout near the station, a man in the colours of The Wasps (their emblematic insect bears a camp smile and protruding biceps) met a request for directions by immediately offering me his absent mate’s season ticket before reeling off various tales of his life in a Bruce Springsteen tribute band.

Despite his generous offer of a drinking session after the game, I left his group (and, temporarily, abandoned my cynicism about the state of the modern game) to take in the beauty of this ancient ground with its brick walls, creaking turnstiles, shallow terrace and lovingly-curated club shop. The team, which escaped Championship relegation by overturning a 3-1 deficit on home turf in the final game of the previous season, were faring little better this time around, although they have an ex-Premier League striker in Michael Chopra upfront, who can apparently be seen driving a battered old motor around the town having fallen upon hard times in recent years.

Both teams played neat football. For Raith, Mark Stewart looked clever and pacy, drawing a brave save from the keeper with a thundering half volley straight at him from the edge of the area. He then met a clever diagonal ball to square to Jon Daly, whose dive edged the cross into the jeering home terrace. The female assistant referee received almost non-stop advice from the home fans, with the cry of "you have to give that" regularly audible along with such time-honoured gems as "you've got him in your back pocket, Kyle".

Chopra was invited to be the hero in front of the home fans 15 minutes into the second half, but sent a straightforward header straight at the keeper when unmarked from three yards. A brilliant, lightning run by Michael Doyle down the right then allowed Chopra to chest and volley from the edge of the six-yard box, but a defender got in the way.

Raith missed a simple header from a crossed free kick 15 minutes before the end, and the hardcore nearest the dugouts were fuming with the ref after what they saw as a "fackin’ assault" of a 50-50 collision near the away penalty area. Their mood worsened as Raith grabbed the winner following a foray down the left ending in a fierce shot which the ‘keeper could only palm to Grant Anderson, who finished to the noisy delight of the away enclosure, visible in front of a KFC drive-through.

The highlight of the afternoon, though, was the catering, which included macaroni pies and Bridie pastries. A starchy slither of a potato in a buttered bun more than hit the spot for £1.20. Exceptional stuff.

Exeter 3-3 Stevenage, League Two, October 11 2015

When your entire knowledge of St James Park revolves around the away section – about which the term minimalism could suffice, apart from the time the tiny urinals flooded during one Albion visit – an afternoon in the home end is a glorious shock. Tall, steep and packed, it looked untouched since the 1970s and has the character of a monochrome postcard of George Best shanking past a cram of pipe-smoking elders in duffle coats.

There are looming old cider signs and excellent views over the city if you stand towards the top. A route at the back leads to a tea bar where drinks are £1, pies are £1.60 and an alleyway of barbed wire allows fans to smoke behind the car park. And parked up, ensuring an early kick-off, was a telly van broadcasting this excellent display of League Two football across the world.

A few points separated Exeter from the play-offs and Stevenage from the disaster zone at kick-off, a disparity emphasised when the hosts scored with a free header from Brighton-born former Albion youth team winger David Wheeler after four minutes. Despite missing the genius of Ryan Harley, they doubled their lead when ex-Palarse hotshot Clinton Morrison scored a balletic close-range overhead kick shortly afterwards, celebrating by leading a dance around Stevenage manager Teddy Sheringham, who resembled a foiled wedding crasher in his Sunday best suit.

Imploring his players to calm down might have been a strange call considering their seemingly passive concessions of the opening 20 minutes, but Sheringham was proved right by hindsight. Boro could have capitulated had they panicked – as it was, Dean Parrett curled in a classic 25-yard free-kick five minutes before half-time, starting a period of momentum which culminated in Ben Kennedy heading in the equaliser following a spot of penalty area pinball just before the break. Of the 45 visible Stevenage fans, nine broke into an impressive Poznań dance at this point, although it couldn’t eclipse the appeal at half-time for City fans to help paint the ground during the week, announced with just the right level of charm and pragmatism. Perhaps out of embarrassment, the scoreboard near the away end was never updated to reflect the equaliser.

Paul Tisdale, as it is binding to mention during any report on his team, looked thoroughly dapper in his trilby, and the Exeter manager’s side were reinvigorated when they returned, forcing a clearance off the line almost immediately. Stevenage continued to appear incapable of defending anything inside their own box, bearing the look of a team who could concede at any moment, vulnerable no matter how well they played. Armand Gnanduillet, their French striker loaned from Chesterfield, looked a promising targetman with the rawness of a newborn foal, swiping at cold air when presented with a clear shot on goal from ten yards 15 minutes before time.

Stevenage were duly punished when Wheeler collected a pass on the edge of the area and struck a superb half-volley past ex-Palarse net-picker Chris Day with the outside of his foot. It made them more urgent: Tom Conlon struck the outside of the post with an inspired free-kick, and then Whelpdale raced on to a header dropping from the sky – afforded by some sloppy City play from their own throw-in – to crash a volley into the far corner as a magnificent finale.

Fulham 1-2 Albion, Championship, August 15 2015

Strange sensation the day after this game – parts relief, exhaustion and exhilaration. The river was beautiful, the sky serene, the pitch immaculate and, for most, the beers plentiful at one of the best away games of the season regardless of result, although not least due to fond memories of last season’s unexpected, Jonah-led post-Christmas triumph. Big Uwe started at centre-back in place of Dunk, but had almost nowt to do beyond familiarising himself with his teammates during the first half, when Albion kept the ball so cleverly and calmly that it was reminiscent of the times when they embarrassed Peterborough and Charlton at away games during the championship-winning season under Gus.

Tomer set the tone by sending a shot against the bar from just outside the box following a deft Bruno pass, and then everyone’s second-favourite Spanish right-back repeated the trick after half an hour with a precision cross which narrowly deceived the backpeddling centre-back and allowed Baldock to bury it in front of Fulham’s finest.

A lot of Albion fans were relaxed enough to have joined a beer queue which never got served by the time Fulham scored an entirely surprising equaliser, although it wasn’t undeserved: given a second to shoot, Tom Cairney’s curler gave Dave ‘Banter’ Stockdale about as much chance as a wounded fox running for Tory leadership, showing the kind of class Hughton had warned Fulham’s squad possessed.

Therein lay the trouble that was ahead: Hughton gave Fulham too much respect, and Albion, gratingly, went on the back foot against a team who had been there for the taking. What should have been at least a two-goal win saw a correctable swing in momentum obvious to everyone except, apparently, the Albion coaching staff. Fulham hit the post with a header before Matt Smith – who Hughton had spoken about with quiet nervousness before the game – was denied only by Stockdale’s wonderful tip-over at eyeballing range.

Frustration with the ailing ship was growing in the stands by now. Baldock, Stephens, Kayal and Hemed, who had helped run the show during the first half, couldn’t keep up the energetic harrying which allowed Albion to exert sustained pressure and win the ball back so many times, and March was completely knackered. Hughton, a manager renowned for late substitutions, waited until ten minutes before the end - at least 15 minutes overdue - to refresh the comically tired middle platoon. Albion’s ascendancy could have been restored with greater energy against an uninspired Fulham, but Hughton showed his cards by swapping Baldock and March for a defensive midfielder and a defender (Incenator and Rosenior).

Settling for a draw, on the strength of the first half, seemed wasteful. Then, against the run of play, a JFC pass sent LuaLua towards the edge of the area, tapping it past a clumsy defender for a foul which the referee took his sweet time to confirm as a penalty. The end was unwatchable to most in the away end, in contrast to Hemed, who knocked it in with the ease of a lifelong pitch-and-putt champion sinking a gimme or a sunbather on a Tel Aviv beach ordering a falafel. Betting on a striker who seems immune to the Championship’s pressures to score a few penalties this season could be wise.

It’s hard to distance yourself from a game which had more emotions in 50 minutes than the entirety of last season. The style in which it was done seemed excessively cautious and is certain to shred nerves for the next nine months. Hughton might end up being a victim of setting us up so well if he continues to settle for a point in the way he most pointedly did on Saturday. For the stoic, though, we seem to have sneaked under the radar in terms of having a manager who is an old hand at winning promotion, losing four times all season when he did it with Newcastle. It took Albion until November to get their third win last season. This time it’ll probably happen before the end of August.

Chris Hughton and Joao Carlos Teixeira - post-Ipswich, 21/01/2015

Mark Pougatch: Sounds like a terrific game down there on the south coast.

Chris Hughton: Yes it was. We possibly could have made life a little more comfortable because we put in what was a very good performance, good goals, but we were up against a very good side in Ipswich and they showed why they are in the position they are in.

MP: Did you find a club and a set of players low on confidence when you arrived there?

CH: No, actually I didn't. I think the performances before I got here were close, I don't think there were games where the team was beaten very comfortably. And of course when I arrived we were on the back of a win away at Fulham and a good draw here having been 2-0 down against Reading. So no, I didn't find that – it's a good group of lads and there's ability here. It's just about getting the right formula to perhaps get the goals that we needed.

 

MP: There's ability, there's huge potential as well, isn't there? How far do you think that club can go? 

CH: Well, the infrastructure's there. We have a training facility which is probably, apart from three or four of the Premier League clubs, as good or better than anything else in the country. And of course we have a wonderful stadium here with a 30,000 capacity which will be full to the rafters come Sunday. So absolutely there's potential here and of course the club have been very close in the two seasons before this one. It's quite obvious what their ambitions are looking to the future.

David Pleat: Well done Chris, I'm delighted for you, I thought you might have had a chance tonight. Did you play the same system as you played when you first went there? I saw the Charlton game. 

CH: The only chance that I made was I played Calderon at right side of midfield. I just felt that where Ipswich play a very strong and well-organised 4-4-2 and they're a powerful side with a lot of legs, we needed a little bit more solidness and stability in there. And the young lad Teixeira done very, very well off the front. He's a young lad and a real prospect. He added to that with two goals today.

DP: He's still on loan from Liverpool?

CH: Yes he is, we've got him on loan until the end of the season. He's still developing. What he has in his favour for a young lad and a small lad is he has a physicality about him, which of course you need in this division. If you're able to use that, you want to add goals to your game, and he scored two super ones today.

MP: You'll be looking forward enormously to Arsenal coming down at the weekend and a good test to see how the team's progressing.

CH: Yes, even more so. Today was absolutely the priority for us because we need points in this division, particularly with Leeds winning last night, so tonight was very important. We'll look forward to Sunday even more now because of the result today and, as I said, it'll be a full capacity 30,000 here and we hope we can make a good account of ourselves.

Teixeira told the Scouse Echo: "I'm growing up, I turned 22 recently and I need to get more experience.

"I'm getting stronger, I'm thinking quick – that’s the most important thing in the game – and playing quick. I've been enjoying [my time here] a lot, I've been playing a lot, scoring a few goals, a few assists, and playing a lot of minutes so that's what I want to get experience.

The Championship is a hard league, there are a lot of games. I like the city and I'm really happy with my decision. I was playing at no.10 behind the striker and supporting the striker and looking for the space behind the holding midfielders."

A chat with Jimmy Case - December 2014

Jimmy Case sticks his old black car on a pair of double yellow lines, gets out and changes his mind. He's ten minutes late - insert some clumsy parallel with the Albion and Liverpool legend's tackling here - and for a Wednesday evening when most people are still working, there's a decent queue inside City Books.

Once he's in, most of the talk is about Liverpool: Case went to see them beat Leicester last night, and wonders what, if anything, Mario Balotelli "has between his ears" to have come up with an extraordinarily crass, if possibly unintentionally racist, tweet the previous evening.

Case had none of the modern footballer’s luxuries. “I actually got turned away by Burnley when I was 16,” he rues. “The fella who was youth team coach at the time told me I wasn’t any good.

“That was a fella called Dave Merrington. Well, where did I end up? Southampton. Every single mornin’ I used to pull his shirt, ‘the one that got away, eh?’ ‘Cos I went to Liverpool instead of Burnley and won all them trophies.

“And I never got in Liverpool schoolboys – there was a fella there called Tom Saunders and he turned me away, said I wasn’t good enough. He was only a schoolmaster at that time but he ended up at Liverpool.

“He was the one who asked me, he said, ‘Mr Shankly would like to sign yer.’ I said ‘oh you bloody well want me now, do ya?’, cos he turned me away from the schoolboys two, three years earlier than that. You don’t forget.”

That was in 1974, and 40 years later the moustachioed marvel reckons his autobiography, Hard Case, is worth reading. “I’ll give you the money back if you don’t like it. There are people who’ve read the book twice who’ve never read a book before. There are pictures – it’s not a con, you know.”

Merrington was, at one point, linked with the Albion during our darkest days. In the book, Case talks about the despair of realising what Archer and Bellotti were up to in the mid-90s and Liam Brady - “for my money one of the best managers I had ever worked with” - committing to Uncle Dick's vision, only for One-Eyed Bill's refusal to concede control scuppering everything.

“I don’t blame the Brighton supporters for the actions they took,” he writes. “They are as fanatical about their club as any group in the country and they deserved better than they were getting from the owners.”

The Lib Dem sacked him, but he didn’t care. “I hadn’t wanted the job in the first place and by then I had had more than enough. It had been 24 hours a day, seven days a week stress and, as anyone will tell you, I don’t handle stress very well.”

Happier memories, perhaps the happiest: his 35-yard free-kick on the cup run semi-final against Sheffield Wednesday at Highbury in ’83. “That was a screamer, that one. I’ve seen it a few times since and it gets better each time I see it,” says Case. And less happy times, for us lot at least, under the present tenure of a manager presiding over even less success than Case despite the benefit of a grand stadium and supportive board.

“I’m up at Liverpool quite a lot but I saw the Southampton friendly at the beginning of the season,” he observes of a current saga he knows little of. “At the moment, just looking at results and paper stuff, it’s taking a bit of time with the players and not going too well. But I’m sure it’ll be alright in the end.”

Hard Case is out now - buy it, it's pretty good.

The Blue & White 'Un - November 7 2014

Saturday

Albion lose 3-2 to Bourneo on telly, an unsurprising result tempered by the thrillingly unexpected emergence of strikers who actually score (nice) goals.

The defence, as usual, resembles a punctured dinghy manned by mice in a monsoon. GG scores a classic own-goal, stooping to conquer past Wigan watchman Ali Al-Habsi, signed on loan after David Stockdale breaks his finger in a furiously-typed Twitter meltdown after his shot-stopping ability is compared unfavourably to Peter Schmeichel at his peak.

Adrian Colunga and Sam Baldock produce two cool finishes – the latter ending a move straight down the Route One highway – either side of a Marc Pugh goal which takes a deflection off Dunk, whose ridiculous lunge gives the hosts the 76th minute penalty which sends them to the Championship summit. Still, Sami finally gets to change tack from the standard post-match stuff.

“Helpless is a very dangerous word to use,” he laments. “I can’t do anything more than my best.” His opposite number, Eddie Howe, becomes the latest manager to effectively tap Hyypia on the shiner and tuck him up in bed with a warm bottle of patronage.

“It is the toughest game we have had for some time,” he says, presenting his Man of the Match award to Dunk before handing Greer a handwritten note of thanks.

Sunday

Oh yes! Elliott Bennett signed on loan yesterday! You’re probably better off reading the official site if you want to know all the latest £8 a pint offers at the Amex news. Apologies.

“You can see that he has settled well into the group and has had banter with the rest of the squad,” serenades Sami, denying rumours that the Telford titillator’s opening song was a rendition of Are You Lonesome Tonight to Paddy McCourt.

“If we manage to win and get six points out of the two games, then that will definitely calm things down outside the club,” adds Sami, who’s clearly familiar with the legendary level-headedness of North Stand Chat, where six points will probably ensure talk of Champions League finals and Finnish statues at the Clock Tower.

Monday

The long wait is over: Kemy Agustien is back, firing the under-21s to a 0-0 draw against Bolton.

The supposition that he had an ankle injury hides the typically dramatic truth: “I've been fit for a longtime so don't get it twisted,” tweets the Dutch dynamo. “Want to play games so that's why with the 21's now.”

One man who definitely does have a dodgy ankle is Aaron Hughes, who went off at Bourneo after barely touching the ball. It’s not broken, but the physios need to wait for his swelling to go down (fnarr fnarr).

Ex-Pole in Goal Tommy Kush ends the dreams of Sussex Sunday League managers the county over by signing for Wolves.

Tuesday

It’s the big one, and Albion v Wigan turns out to be every bit as good as the reputed 7,000 stayaway season ticket holders anticipated. A win is a win, though: Gazza Gardner scores after a minute, then Albion whoosh the woodwork, then a fairly dire game gets Sami’s stuttering Seagulls their first win since Saturday games didn’t need floodlights.

“Everyone did their job quite concentrated on the pitch and we came out as winners,” reflects a thankful Finn. El Bennett and El Calde send supporters’ hearts aquiver by embracing at the end.

Wednesday

Late news again. Albion signed centre-back Greg Halford on loan yesterday. “I’ve come here because I’ve never been top goalscorer anywhere before,” says the fearsome Forest reserve.

Another loanee, Gazza Gardner, calls Sami “top-class”. “We will kick on up that table, I know we will,” he says, echoing the mutterances of the average Albion fan trudging home after several whiskies and a narrow victory against pretty much the only team who could rival our (lack of) form.

Blackpool draw at Fulham to keep Albion 20th in the table.

Thursday

The much-heralded Financial Fair Play regulations – the most common acronym on Albion directors’ lips for the past few years, with the possible exception of FFS – are relaxed following a league vote.

Clubs will now be able to lose up to £15 million down the sofa between 2016 and 2019, with those flitting between the Promised Land and the Champ permitted to cast £61 million into the Supermassive Black Hole where broken dreams and plucky relegations lie.

“This all sounds very fair,” says no-one ever, although Paul Barber reveals that Albion voted for the changes.

“We’ll also be making all beers £3.50 and soft drinks £1 at Falmer while our full-backs are in their own half,” he says, rubbing his hands and cackling.

Friday

Aaron Hughes has shed his swelling. “Yesterday he was running already,” says Sami. “I’m happy that he gave me the excuse to sign another loan player, though. Hey, Aaron! Get further up that pitch! Bruno! What the hell are you doing in our half? That’s it, you’re dropped forever injured, get out of my…”

Albion now have six loan signings in contention for the visit of Blackburn, a mere five of whom are allowed to be named – yer ever-loving Blue and White ‘Un reckons Al-Habsi could make way, as Christian Walton belied his tender years in goal t’other night (he got called up for England under-21s this week).

Some clubs in our division might not have the luxury of imbalancing their squad with loads of stitch-the-itch loan players. “We were very determined to see the sanctions stay in place for the existing rules,” says Barber of the FFS regulations. “We are expecting maybe as many as eight or nine clubs are going to break those rules and therefore, come January, they could find themselves in a transfer embargo which is serious, a massive penalty.”

It’s unclear how Kemy feels about the agreement, apparently reached during the early hours of Thursday morning. “How can people live and think today im gonna try to fck up Kemy's life,” he tweets, issuing four emoticons.

Quote of the Week

“I am a very relieved man now. Thank you so much to the Brighton people for helping me find the ring – my wife would not be happy if I lost it. It was not a good result for us but I could leave the stadium with a little smile.” - Oriol Riera after stadium staff and the Wigan backroom team join forces to help find his wedding ring, which the Spanish striker accidentally wore when he came on as a late substitute. The headline on the Wigan website, Lord of the Ring, is perhaps not strictly accurate (“Amex Gold”, on the other hand, deserves a doffed hat).

Honourable Mention

Former referee confuser Jimmy Case will be signing copies of his long-prepared book at Falmer on Monday. “There’s Joe Corrigan dressed as a 6ft 5ins fairy at Christmas, for example, and the time I was arrested in North Wales, which effectively brought to an end my Liverpool career,” he reveals, as well as promising to discuss the Cup Final and the Dark Ages. "You’ll soon discover I’m not bitter like Roy Keane. I played football with a smile on my face.”

The Blue & White 'Un - Friday October 24 2014

Saturday

Hyppia is baffled by Albion’s ineptness against the ‘boro.

“When we had a chance we couldn’t score,” he says, imagining the impossible as Chris O’Grady, clad in a grim reaper outfit, skulks in the background of the press area, missing badly upon attempting to sever Hyppia’s neck with a plastic scythe.

In an attempt to help, Liverpool’s media team provide a rolling video of Ian Rush, Robbie Fowler and Kenny Dalglish’s greatest goals, from tap-ins to 25-yard rockets or simply fine approach play.

“It puzzles me a little bit that you change something, it is almost like going down the toilet in a few minutes’ time,” adds a none-the-wiser Sami, ensuring that everyone, ultimately, leaves the Theatre of Nightmares baffled.

Sunday

“They didn’t really have any chances,” beams Albert Adomah, one of Middlesboogie’s goalscorers, whose powers of observation are clearly without bounds.

He does, however, point out that Albion lost 2-0 to ‘boro at Falmer last season, which is about as close to a bright side as…no, it’s a Sunday to listen to that Blur song on repeat and wish the working week would erase what memories remain of the game.

David Stockdale announces an enforced break from Twitter following the most ill-judged exchange since we traded an MP3 player for a MiniDisc at Cash Convertors.

“ok just blame me no problems with that to take the pressure off everyone else no problem”, he’d frantically tweeted the previous evening.

He can’t resist one final, even more worrying, salvo for now: “1 last thing,” blusters despairing Dave. “Kemy works harder than a lot of footballers I've come across and as you can see looks out4 team mates.” If only he could ever spot them on the pitch.

Monday

Shamir Fenelon returns from a prolif…loan spell at Rochdale to play for the under-21s at Toon, scoring in a 3-1 defeat which sees two Albion players sent off. At least the reserves are keeping their discipline.

While the Argus subbing team awaits the two defeats that will allow them to dispense the inevitable FINNISHED? headline, Andy Naylor supports the Beleaguered Battling Brighton Boss, wisely electing not to call for the unemployment of a man he has to interview daily.

“I think we are going to stick together,” murmurs Calde reassuringly, while Sami says we “need to see why we are losing games”, interrupted halfway through by a 550-page picture annual, The Bumper Book of Attacking Midfielders and Wingers, crashing on his head from the sky.

Still, at least we’ll have Joao Teixeira available…or possibly not, as the Spanish Scouse is under observation after getting groggy against ‘boro. Bruno, who would have played right-back on the edge of Huddersfield’s penalty area, and CMS, who would have spent most of the game howling at the moon, are both out of tomorrow night’s blockbuster encounter.

Tuesday

Albion draw 1-1 at Huddersfield. The hosts score early, then mercurial marksman Lewis Dunk equalises before LuaLua is sent off – the second yellow looks a ridiculously petty booking from the vantage point of the pre-midnight sofa.

“I don’t know why we couldn’t get our game going,” says Sami, discussing the second half in typically certain terms.

Nobody on North Stand Chat starts a thread about the nine-game winless run, nor about the chances of recruiting David Moyes, Tony Pulis or the ghost of Graham Kelly.

Wednesday

“We need to be more concentrated and stop conceding first,” says Sami, making Albion sound a bit like a porous orange juice carton. Bookies shorten the odds on Rotherham scoring early on Saturday to a best-priced 4/1 on.

Former capable custodian Tommy Kuszczak is linked with a move to Bayern Munich. David Stockdale is linked with a move to Facebook.

Thursday

That word concentration is back. “They need to concentrate more in the final third, to be more dangerous in the final third,” says Sami, as senators in the US announce plans to name a new state, The Bleeding Obvious, after Albion’s Beleaguered Battling Boss.

Best mate of Clarke Carlisle and any Albion fan who goes to the pub regularly in Hove, Adam Virgo, says sticking Lewis Dunk up front would “send out the wrong message”.

A franchise t-shirt operation, I Saw Albion Score, goes into overdrive and sets up a kiosk outside the North Stand ahead of the Rotherham rollercoaster.

Friday

Another c-word emerges. “We just need to correct little things,” says Sami, before reverting back to the old one. “A little bit more concentration at our end and a little bit more at the other end.”

ADHD pills are dispensed to all Albion players before the final training session of the week, which is missed by a whole load of injured players.

LuaLua’s suspended for the Millers meeting, and GG, Dunk and Gary Gardner are all one booking away from bans. “Our outstanding discipline makes me extremely confident, not to mention the fact that Chris O’Grady’s still available,” says Sami, as canned laughter echoes around a morgue-like training ground.

Quote of the Week


“Last Saturday, their first 20 minutes was as good as I’ve seen a team play in the Championship. Sami was a fantastic player. He was a superstar footballer and has personal aspirations to be a superstar manager. At the start of the season if you looked at the squad that was there, and who they added to the squad, everyone expected Sami Hyypia to have his players challenging for automatic promotion. When you look at the squad on paper, it’s certainly a squad capable of finishing in the top three or four.” - Rotherham Manager Steve 'Trousers' Evans

Honourable Mention

Former Albion hotshot Jake Robinson, who turned 28 this week. "Someone defo called Steve Evans a fat benidorm extra in the tunnel once," he tweets. "Was lols."